Art by Henry Taylor

For all the mothers who fight for their sons. And the Fathers who refuse to abandon them.

Fathers leave because… They enjoy being alone, until they get horny. Blood sucking kids drain them like sex with a partner they’ve been plotting an escape from. The requirement of providing for someone who will never reach full independence, is selfishness beyond comprehension. And, selfishness, is not a family affair, it’s not meant to be shared. And when it is, depression creates a lasting form of expression.

Fatherhood magnifies childhood insecurity and lack. They see the life, friends, family, their youthful body, age un-graceful and premature. Girls they missed, that they will not be able to hit. Tormenting memories, present agony. They close their eyes, shutting themselves out from receiving the gift of a future that doesn’t fill them with psychotic emptiness.

Poison and freedom have the same addiction and appeal. Nostalgia is always misleading, irresistible as the seduction of a new partner. And the only thing more appealing to a father, outside of acquiring greedy amounts of money and sex, is new pussy.

Yes! Children! Are, always, a main factor, behind a sperm donor evading fatherhood. They envision their inner child dying, eaten, like a twin at birth. The excitement comes in waves, disappointment drowns any sense of abundance, filling them with greater limitations than a life-long pessimist. They remember growing up surrounded by failures, talked up as winning lessons that never translated into victory. Losers campaigning, becoming the defining character of comfortable fear. — That person everyone sympathizes with, out of sorrow, — the neighborhood gimmick-proving you really can amount to nothing.

They leave to escape blame. Perhaps, the only time one could claim running from responsibility as manning up. Because blame brings violence, and if a man is going to retreat-it should be from committing harm against his woman and child.

Fatherhood is tiring, surviving the suffocating needs of family makes suicide look like wealth and happiness. So, they create distance- securing personal preservation and protection. They cope with disappointment better alone, than with prying, nagging, cries of suspicion. Negative thoughts manifesting positive consequences, like raw sex, with promiscuous partners, you avoid the blanket and become filled with frigid, stifling pain.

When I was seventeen, I met a woman who told me she didn’t want to be married anymore. She pulled into her driveway, sat, and stalled. Her husband went outside with their newborn fraternal twins. She waved, backed out, then called him two minutes later and told him “it’s over!” I understood- She couldn’t see herself raising their son under the influence of an under- performing husband, or their daughter believing she had to remain, and unhappily sacrifice to provide. I fucked her mind with my analysis. After that, she opened to me in ways that made me believe in the benefits of leaving. Talk about mind fucked. Truth is, no man, or woman is as nice, gentle, or innocent as they seem.

But I envied her, as I do all women for leaving sadness behind. But god-dammit, a boy focused on hating his father, for committing the identical crime of passion, grows into a man unable to adjust his vision. Travels the same path and wears down his shoes in the same dirt as his father. As boys become men, and parents, they understand, and recognize un-happiness. Especially when it’s hidden.

Where is the instinct to hurt those you care for born from?

Fathers leave because being surrounded by the same person strips identity. Moments are wasted on a bored audience, biding time until the main attraction hits their stage. Losing those, is similar to static shock. All you need is a small current to electrify.

Fathers leave- when, what they enjoy is no longer accepted or embraced with the strength that overcame struggle.

I never grew up around any man who believed in practicing the gentle laws of love. Or women for that matter- fact is, conquering provides more excitement than busting a virgin nut. I saw it firsthand when I was seven. A father figure brought me to one of his other lady’s houses. This was the first time I remembered hearing a woman purr and shriek, with cries of pain, mixed with pleasure. This was also the first time I sucked titties, washed my fingers under a woman’s hot spot, and saw and felt the power of anatomy.

I remembered thinking, wishing all dead-beat dads would get murdered. At-least I would have a reason for running wild with a pack of bastards, without suffering from an absent patriarch’s discipline. When fathers get called to “do something about their son”, -so they show up, yell smart quips from their childhood memories of desperation, and try to beat their child out of existence. That was the only time fathers showed incredible, threatening strength, so full of rage-it proved super villains really exist. Angry because they were interrupted from creating more bastards. Is this the moment children dream of becoming a hero?

That might be the only time children wish death on both parents. Which is un-usual because mothers are sacred, while fathers are supposed to be strong enough to withstand abuse.

Fathers leaving their children alone, to die from confusion, and contemplate alternate endings, is betrayal.

When fathers leave, they stay gone. Because even if, they ever return, they believe, they never belonged. They hold onto being a mother- fucker so strong, they disintegrate love.

When a gone father explains to his child what karma is, he says “it’s what weak people believe in, to justify not living the life they want.” Fathers leave from fear of living that life.

From:

“Naah, lil man, don’t look to me. I’m a rare breed, living hard, knocking down weak people to build a rep. A hydrated dick keeps a man focused on what matters most-his benefits. Staying still, playing house, will make me lose a step. And ballers can’t afford that. I don’t have enough time to waste on more than my own life.” ” But listen, if you ever have children, remember, be careful you don’t instill in them, your opinions and prejudices about men or women. It will steel and sharpen their hearts. They will cut all ties of love away from nurturing relationships.”

To:

I will never respect a man choosing, not to raise his son, but has the nerve, to blame a woman’s circle for his outcome. Those are dick head moves, lame men use as they refuse to sacrifice and jerk their way through life.

-AM

I write to breath. I write to give. I write for happiness.

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