I needed to work, but I was pre-occupied. Should I sleep, or should I masturbate? Wasting time is a talent and a great escape. Pain is the hardest part of changing habit. It’s the most addictive non-prescribed drug. We avoid it, at-least that’s the lie we tell ourselves as we try to get out of our own way. like a pedal, we need the cycle to move forward.

Masturbating beforehand makes you last longer. A secret men keep from women. We don’t want them to think we can’t handle our business. And, I did all day, until I literally busted a nut. “Fuck!” Oh, no, oh fuck, the pain.” I tried rushing to the hospital, but something was loose. Now, when I walked, my leg swung like a gate.

The gorgeous admitting nurse embarrassed me. The whole scene fit like the condom men avoided when pleasuring themselves and during those hazy one-night stands with pretty women, who looked like the nurse. I tried to shut it out, but the questions swarmed like the doctors and their testing questions.

“Have you had any blunt force trauma?”

I thought carefully about what I told myself earlier. Handling my business was not a question that would pass. “Did they know?” I thought, watching the nurse handle her pen, stroking it smoothly as it scribbled messily on the sheet.

“No” I said, pretending to be surprised. “What do you mean?”

The doctor sighed heavily as he sat across from me. “You have varicose veins in your testicles. Meaning…

He shifted and sighed again. Searching how to ease my pain. “You have balls the age of a ninety year old man”

Anthony Markland

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