DO YOU WANT ME TO BE SORRY
NO! But I know it will make you feel better to hear it, so listen. Carefully. Because YOU will be sorry if you don’t.
I am, sorry I am afraid, I will make you suffer. It is the only lesson I have never forgotten, the only one I remember. I will hug you and think of the pain I could cause. Daydreaming of a laugh, used to secretly hide despise.
I am sorry, I will smile at your distaste. Knowing, you know the value of worth depends on strength. I will not smile to make you happy. Ahhh, Yes, I am sorry about it, but not enough. Not enough to change. Changing for anyone or anything other than myself, does not make me happy- you may find yours in me. But a man needs to find his own.
I am sorry, I cannot show weakness, you call it… Gentle. The world breaks those-men.
I am sorry, if I make you feel toughness is my, or has a blueprint, that supporting feminism makes men soft, that male confidence means misogyny- when in reality a man needs to be hard for life’s support, both for himself and women and children. Family cannot thrive or survive without it.
I am sorry I cannot teach you how to be a man, I can teach you how to be a certain man. But you must become your own kind.
I am sorry, I will push you away, so you can move towards a mind that elevates and stands alone. Dependence is vulnerable. I will hurt you because I don’t want you to be what I have been taught as weak.
I am sorry I cannot be nicer. Life has not been nice to me. And yes -I have, do, and probably will continue, as life- to take responsibility for my own. Being nice scares me, it will make you beat a man to the point he begs for an end to the nice beating he is receiving, the one he asked for because neither of you listened to, or noticed an apology- which, I am sorry is expressed in various ways.
I am sorry, I have never learned to stop repeating the same mistakes. If I am honest, which makes all men sorry-and even, in lies hides a truth, so hurtful and honest-it is better un-spoken.
Why else would I…
I am sorry, you don’t understand.
I am sorry, I will not have sympathy for your pain or loss. Why should I. Look at me. I have made it through yesterday’s, ending, mistakes, time. Today new, but not recovered, and I never will be-not fully, not how you think I should, I am different now. Everyday makes us all that way.
I am sorry, I will try to be everything to you, for you. I will not allow you to be everything to me. I have to shape myself. And I will change in a blink, will eye a difference we both may not agree. Hiding, does not bring out its intended resemblance. And resembling is not original.
I am sorry, I must feel original. A man who does not feel this way is a waste of life.
I am sorry, you will stand beside me. I will stand by myself to force you closer.
I am sorry, I love you. The sorrow that will bring is felt in the aftermath of all firsts! Kiss, crush, love, sex, marriage, child-LOSS! lingering, just, not quite the same is- the hope for perfection.
Only death is perfect. And I am sorry, but I will bring it to everything.
You will be sorry, if you don’t pay attention from the beginning, and nobody ever does, they forget-on purpose-and try to change the ending.
I am sorry but, there is no such thing as a happy ending.
I am sorry if you believe any of this, because the next time I am sorry, everything will be different.
I AM
-AM
